Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
