mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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