There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
