i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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