well you can't waste a boner
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
