I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Someone came in the potted fern
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
