Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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