i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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