Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
