so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
