is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
