Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
