I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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