he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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