I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
