So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize