so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize