I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
there was a trapeze. enough said
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
