At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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