if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
