I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I can't put those talents on a resume
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
