Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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