I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
