o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
