As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
