Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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