Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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