Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
