I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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