I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
