oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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