So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
