Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
