Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
