Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
