I accidentally burped into my bong.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize