I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
