Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Can Purell be used as lube?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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