I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
