Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
