ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
