my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
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