god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My brain says no but my pants say off.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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