It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
