so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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