all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
