sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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