Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
