I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
