Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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