I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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