Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
