How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
